Trying to get back at it.

Explanation for absence part 1.

I haven't written anything here for a while.  And really, I haven't posted much of my usual anywhere. 

There are reasons. 

Firstly, I try and spin a lot of plates.  Some get ignored if I get bored or distracted.  Recently, I added some seriously intensive projects to my mix, and I have been feeling a little overwhelmed.  Muscles are supposed to grow when you overload them.  Maybe I haven't rested enough, or maybe I am just at a plateau. 

My bets -I know myself well butt have my issues- are on bandwidth, summertime, discipline, and anxiety.

See, I do a lot.  I always have many things on the go.  And they are usually an excuse to not do other things.  Call it "avoidance behavior", whatever, because it is.  I perceive myself as being too busy.  I am wrong. 

It's been nice out.  I love being outdoors.  I love to garden and have been loving walking around my neighborhood.  This has taken some time away from my writing.  My promise to myself is not being honoured. 

Now, I know I should schedule time; make a point of doing that which I set out to do.  That would be discipline.  And that would fix much of my issue.  Until that is set, in schedule or by habit, I will continue to fall short. 

The worst part: I hold myself to high standards.  I also give myself a pass.  This wouldn't be an issue if it was a true pass while holding standards high.  It also wouldn't be a high standard if it didn't have a personal sacrifice, cost.  And here's the issue: I am so hard on myself for the missed days that I fear doing the work, on any schedule at all, because I know I will just let myself not live up to my standard.  And that spirals. 

There is a solution.  It is to try again.  To keep trying again until the trying becomes habit and the effort put in is sufficient to me to allow an off day. 

It's not easy.  It shouldn't be easy. 

This post is me trying again. 

(Part 2 will be explain the project I am stressing about.)